Dear Colleen at Beltania ,

do love and appreciate and am happy I found you ..MY stuff here ( nothing to do with you its just I feel safer here expressing this ) : IN all honesty the way I am feeling today in a cathartic moment.. your life has been a cake walk you were set up and had a great education even if you worked 4 jobs and planted one seed at a time where you are at and all the amazing accomplishments were a CAKE WALK compared to my history life.. and what lessons I opted in for in this life.. severe abuse as a chilld mental emototional physical psychological sexual.. the ensuing diagnoses 29 at one point in time 8 surgeries near death over 5 times so far.. and I am supposed to rise like a Phoenix and realize that your life was easy peasy compared to mine.. ridiculous the extremes humans have.. brother sister homeless by choice despite their phds, one died a few months ago of cancer dad passed a few years back of numerous dis eases.. mother in a state of disowning children as they are not her religion, decades of estrangement from the semi functioning sibliings as we each try to find our way and recover from our past and let go.. daugher with congentital kidney disease and failure.. best friend almost homeless and wanting to suicide 4 friends passing in a short period including one ex fiance who killed himself, another fiance went on drugs in order to block out the issues with and yet there is alway someone with it ” worse” than me a thousand times.. this is such a journey.. and then trying to maintain gratitude at the neediest time of ones life.. becoming co conscious with all the hell I have been through and realizing it.. out of denial.. no we can not diminish anothers pain but its kind of like pancakes .. get engaged to someone who says they love you and you say you love them only you realize you love them to the moon and back and they love you like pancakes.. perspective.. Ommmm may we overcome what we percieve as obstacles , and of course we will until we close the gap; I guess in this we learn compassion for those who do have less., who hurt more, the lost , the lonely , the forgotten , the outcast, the victims, the voiceless, the sightless, the legless, the limbless, the brain damaged ones, the ones who are persecuted, if we do not reach out and help each other heal each other from the searing pain illusion…We can not heal each other. We can not even truly help each other.. All we can do is channel Source love which is not our own but gifted borrowed and held


life changing


Does cali have anything in the systems assistance : support making it worthwhile to live there ?

To family. The Work is stepped up. Bathroom stall Chi gong .

If we string enough moments together , moment by moment.. we can heal.

The people we run into day after day year after year who don’t have a clue , don’t go coconscious , don’t relate to trauma past and or in denial or bliss. Cant recognize don’t know how to interact with they of a different Ilk / mindset / background. Don’t get trauma compensatory strategies. ‘Another stranger we’ll never know ‘.
Real truth is we are each meant to connect and connected. If when we are triggered what a beautiful opportunity to share , check in with the other on their intent and meaning strengthening the bond , and if we want go into it and ask what happened, what did i do , what caused my responses, how did I feel then , where did I feel it in my body , if it had a voice what would it say , if it could do something what would it do , what did it want, how can I give it to me /get it now ,
What was the need, how can I get it met in the future. Planning changing thought patterns and paths to help ourselves.
It is said it is never about the other person. Truth.

It is about me. It is about us. For it to be about you in awareness / oneness then you must do the work , or be a mediator , or have an ” assignment ” in this life to play a healthy productive community role. Anyone can help. The holy homeless are teachers.
Or as of late phd students of life in their thesis development.

The professional gangster gets slain by the artist. Hopefully that direction.

I know why the Lakota Sioux shaman said I was princess in the turtle clan. Amusement there.

Trauma induced (perhaps inherited ) Adhd so bad the only time I’ve had reprieve is during sleep and if I’m able to relax when waking. ADHD as a disassociation skill so stealth to protect its psyche of protectionthat awareness was not permissible much. Otherwise the tone of a voice , sound , inference of a presence nearby , too much stimuli , the wrong amount and type of light , too many people in a group , the wrong word , food , a breeze , addictions , any fear would /had turned off the communication , the reasoning part of my brain. When it Feels safe and safe for intelligence Then the genius literally can come out.
Abraham ” need a reset ?.. pet your cat go to the beach take a nap “.

What’s presenting is dual payches. healing ADHD. Toxic shame core. Addictions: anger=hormones of stress adrenaline . past ; eating , smoking ,serial dating and relationships , drinking , partying and working successfully at bodys expense,hardcore sporting , cortisol .

In life’s journey to find the self.

I’m telling you re the autism spectrum as I see it can affect body health plus affects everything for me. high functioning . I’d like you to know in case you’ve anything you want or need for or from any of this content/ info .

Therapist told me recently. We regress in times of stress.

I have been dealing w suffering this week , from The childhood traumas situation – induced autism. Then communications a problem during severe reversion. Reaching out is key. Struggling to present well at work when I just want to crumple emotionally as I feel I should be elsewhere fighting and healing. When in regression mode the autism makes it hard to do any work. . But scared to walk away and loose benefits. Re affects of the dualities : So far I have been managing w affirmations in headset plus only communicating w others when needed and up for it. And rebuilding reconfiguring adjusting examining analyzing feeling integrating all the approaches perspectives angles beliefs parts opinions thoughts thought programs actions inactions plus learning about all the things supressed and moving that or labeling for later in the queue learning self love that I lost myself or have never found the true me. Learning about honoring self more. Learning about the pain of allowing more. Realizing I have no there is no core.
No core
Feels like nothing underneath our core or rather where we think our core might be or is. Like oblivion is our answer -a corridor.
All this and finding the will to live for those things part that were/ are reductive to this life.

This does affect body health. Stay on the side of healing changes and one is good in the moment. Stay where it’s at and maybe still heal body. Hoping all the moments string together for a couple of decades. Wanting ppl who believe that to be nearer in my life more and to feel empowered own my power Not be scared )
I’m realizing it’s a struggle to literally communicate unless it’s something rote rudimentary like work. Writing isn’t an issue for me except it takes time to sort out the words to capture meaning in pen.

I am contemplating thinking the child self must have treats throughout this journey. Food is tough. In the spectrum of Whole healthy good Foods diet and high raw etc . What to eat not eat which foods . Fear of food. That old thing I see you. I used to ‘get control’ via food issues however w Z cancer disease it can be great good bad deadly.

When I feel safe / the ADHD and trauma reduce I feel the shaman and embody it . Otherwise stuck in shock most often than not.

( Danielle I hope it’s ok I’m including you since you are communicating w Michelle , not that I wouldn’t include you otherwise just wouldnot want to enable your feeling awkward . ).

German new medicine and the plasma scanner interestingly and the generic expression on cancer profile points to conflict . German new medicine and scanner indicates conflict w they other than children.

Conflict resolution is key to health for me.

Love and light may the day night week be ever blessed. As the moment is.